Sigh No More

[reformingfury]

Things were starting to really get busy for Dave, lately. Anderson's arrival, the play, the new school term. Trixa just opened the casino, and now he'll have a job as well. Sundays are his new nights to unwind, and he knows exactly how he wants to spend the first one; relatively peacefully with his share of the cider he and Rachel won for the swing dance competition. He's been hoarding it just for the right occasion, and while some people could argue that there are other nights that could have been just right for breaking it open (like getting out of the mines more or less in one piece), tonight just felt right, especially after more rehearsals. He's just gotten out of the shower and is looking forward to bumming somewhere in or around the compound without a bunch of excitement and new folks about him.

Of course, he thinks as he tosses his damp towel aside, it would be even better to share it with someone.

Kurt has been spotted around the compound more than usual, and given the timing and the tension he's seen in the other, Dave is pretty sure that it has something to do with the arrival of the Mayor of Munchkin Town. If it's enough to drive him from Cassa de Nude Erections, then shit is serious. He might not be the best guy for the job, but he figures Kurt would like someone to talk to and unwind. Plus, there are some things on Dave's mind as well as a result of talking to Blaine Anderson and it'd be good to get things off his chest. He's just hoping that the offer of cider would be tempting enough to get Kurt to join him for a chat.

[OOC: For Kurt, timed to Sunday night.]

Comments

[reformingfury]

"Well, if you change your mind..."

Dave considers what Kurt has said, the fact that he's only been here for less than half a year while the other boy has had considerably longer to feel all those differences. But he also considers the kind of person Kurt was when he last saw him in Ohio and the Kurt talking to him here now. Yeah, there are differences, but while he wasn't tight with the singer's counterpart back home (or the one here, for that matter), he knows enough to conclude that he isn't totally wrong in his theory.

"I'm sure you've got nothing to worry about there. You're an awesome guy; back home and here, with all the changes. Blaine would be an idiot not to love you as much for who you've become on the island. If not, then... I dunno, screw it. You guys at least would have tried, right?"

And if that dork doesn't love you right, I will kick myself right in my good intentions.

Pouring out more cider into his mug, he continues. "But I get that, too. Blaine said..." Dave's mouth pulls tightly. "He said I'm completely out back home. Someone saw me in a compromising position with you and came to a conclusion. So, apparently, I came out. Not sure how much I believe that. Even with the progress I made, that's Lima. I can't picture myself doing that there, so I musta missed out on some major epiphany or some shit."

Or I'm being completely bullshitted.

[likesboys]

Kurt's brows raise slightly in surprise. It isn't that Karofsky's praises come entirely as a shock— it's been pretty clear for a while that Karofsky feels grateful for all that Kurt forgave him for, and maybe Kurt seems like the bigger man for having done so in the first place. But this specific type of praise feels different. Blaine, an idiot for not loving Kurt as much? What does any of them know of love though, really? To Kurt, who's only even begun to feel the emotion out, it just feels impossibly complex. It feels like chance as much as it does fate, even. "I had no idea I had people who would be such advocates of my being date-worthy material," he jokes with a slight shrug, although he quickly leans his head against the back of the couch, exhaling slow and steady. "But I have no intention of giving up without trying, you're right. I guess that's the risk you take for someone you love, right? Better to have tried than to have never tried at all."

Taking another small sip of the cider, Kurt tilts his head away from the couch, listening carefully with a knit brow to what Karofsky has to say. "I don't think you necessarily need to have had some major epiphany," Kurt carefully points out. "If someone saw you in a compromising position... word spreads fast. It can easily force you out and into the open when you haven't quite prepared yourself for it. It sounds entirely plausible to me."

[reformingfury]

His brow scrunches up in slight confusion. "Dude, Kurt, have you like... looked in a mirror? You're friggin' gorgeous, and that's just your looks. You're a good friend, forgiving, caring, and talented to boot. Screw Blaine, more guys should be making it clear that you're beyond date-worthy." Blushing, Dave bites his lips before he gets more carried away than he already has. He's pretty sure that in of itself was pretty much a confession of his feelings.

"And... y-yeah. You'd beat yourself up over it forever if you didn't." He looks down at his mug and chugs it down to wash away the weird feeling in his throat. That feels like another admission. Even with the bit about getting caught and rejected and the fact that he went against his principles on going after someone who's taken, Dave was feeling incredibly jealous of the him that was still in Lima and tried to win over Kurt.

He knows Kurt has a point there, but it still doesn't make sense to him entirely. "Yeah, out myself before they do. But it wouldn't have been the first time I've gotten scared about rumors, remember? Lots of people at McKinley came to their conclusions after prom, and I just ran. Why didn't I do that again? Or try to cover it up?"

[likesboys]

Kurt's lips fall agape at Karofsky's words, mostly because he doesn't really know what to say. It can't be a crush, right? There's just no way. People who've shared the kind of history that Kurt and Karofsky have don't fall for one another; it doesn't work like that. Karofsky's kiss, Kurt tells himself, was only because he was confused, only because Kurt was the only one who could probably even begin to understand, or at least certainly the only one willing to admit to his sexuality in the school. Kurt's brow knits briefly, but he decides that maybe Karofsky's this adamant because he wants to make everything up to Kurt. Help boost his self-confidence or something to repay everything Kurt's endured and the forgiveness Kurt's extended.

It isn't necessary, Kurt thinks, but it's a nice gesture... and again, he's just not sure what to say to it. So he presses his lips, decidedly moving onto the next topic.

"Should and would don't really count though, when it comes to dating. I mean, if you ask me, legions of men should be asking Mercedes out, yet they bound for Quinn first," he points out, tone wry before he shakes his head. "Anyway, the answer to that one is simple. Running gets really tiring. And, counterintuitive though it may sound, it does make you stronger. You step away once, you learn from it. And you tell yourself you'll be stronger next time."

[reformingfury]

Dave can feel his shoulders tense when Kurt's mouth falls open like that and relax the moment he doesn't directly comment on his obviously fawning monologue. God, he feels like a jack ass. What point is there in talking like that now? Anderson's here. Unless all that hair gel leaks a serious case of stupid into his head, that pretty much meant game over for him and his infatuation.

"Well, that's just further proof that guys are dumb, gay or straight." Self included.

Weirdly, that does make sense to him. After all, he was pretty tired of hiding his shit from his parents and came out a little before his arrival. Maybe the fact that his parents seemed to handle it well made it easier in the end, when he got caught on Valentine's day?

"I guess. Shit, maybe I am doing ok there." But it still doesn't sit right. Why that much worry, if he's worked through the backlash? Did someone try to jump him or something? "With all this fear shit going around and how jumpy Blaine seemed when he got here, I'm probably just extra paranoid or something. Better to not question it after all... Hell, for all I know, maybe I get hooked up back there by now?" Fat chance. Dave winces a little at his self-defeating thought. He really has no clue. If he got some here, he could have gotten lucky there, too. Properly, and by someone not around Mr. Scheuster's age, as most of the patrons of Scandals are.

[likesboys]

"I don't see any reason why you wouldn't have," Kurt replies with a shake of his head and a raise of his shoulder. "I mean, admittedly... our numbers aren't great there. At least, numbers of those of us willing to be open and on the market. But you're a football player, good student, you're good-looking and tall." Not Kurt's type, he thinks to himself, but then again had anyone asked him who his type was back in freshman year, he would've described someone like Finn. And he knows better now. Finn's not right for him at all, sexuality aside.

Glancing up, Kurt shrugs. "You know, you should consider dating here on the island. There's little risk of bigotry, and the portion of the population either knowingly gay or at least willing to experiment is pretty big," Kurt nods to himself, wrapping his hands more wholly around his cider and taking a deeper swallow.

"Granted, you can't let yourself be too easily discouraged, though. I didn't have the best of luck before Blaine got here," Kurt grins wryly. "Or maybe I had the best luck of all, forcing me to wait."

[reformingfury]

There's cause for surprise. "You think I'm good looking?" It's not the first time he's heard it here, but coming from Kurt, it's a bit of a shock. With Neil, it became clear that Dave physically fell into a type that the older man was attracted to. Dave vividly recalls Kurt telling him how much he isn't the singer's type. Chubby, sweats too much, and likely to be bald by thirty. The memory stings, and he's not sure how much of it is because of what he feels for Kurt still or because of how much he totally deserved that. Probably a bit of both.

"I've considered it... I mean, I still don't think I'm in the best place up here for it yet." He taps his temple. "But yeah... as soon as I can get over–" You and the prancing prince of Munchkin Land. "–my hang ups. Hell, maybe I'll scope the market by next month."

Dave blushes a little deeply at the mention of luck, pointedly ignoring Kurt's sappy comment. Thinking of luck in dating annoyingly led his brain into the idea of getting lucky. As he did little over a month ago, only a few floors beneath them. He glares at the jukebox while he pours a bit more cider, as if daring it to be inappropriate again, but it thankfully remains on the quiet side. "Um, y-yeah. Maybe I'll get lucky again," he mutters into his mug.

[likesboys]

To Kurt's credit, he manages not to wince. Because there's a fine distinction between calling someone good-looking, and then applying it to one's own tastes. Objectively, Kurt knows that Karofsky is far from the least good-looking guy out there, that his features are well proportioned and, again, he has height going for him. But he's also far from Kurt's type.

"Well, I mean, you're tall, you've got nice shoulders. And you look far better when you're smiling than when you're trying to overwhelm people by force," Kurt says with a softer tone. He's not trying to make the other guy feel guilty. If anything, he's trying to soften the opinion he tossed at Karofsky all those months ago.

He wouldn't have said those types of things, Kurt knows, had Karofsky not been so much of a bully.

That said, it's easy enough to find another detail to cling to as Kurt watches Karofsky mutter into his mug. "Wait, what was that?" he asks, eyes narrowing. "Did you just say... again?"

Belatedly, the full thought hits Kurt, and he can quickly feel himself flushing as he determinedly drops his gaze back into his mug.

[reformingfury]

He can get that he's not Kurt's type, but the compliments are still surprising to him. Then again, the way the singer crushed on Hudson was pretty damn obvious. Frankenteen is physically a far cry from what Blanderson has going. Maybe Kurt doesn't have a set type just yet? He's not gonna hold out on that possibility, but it's nice to consider. Dave looks at his shoulders and straightens a bit, a smile creeping over his expression. "Yeah. Yeah, I'll keep that in mind."

All of it. Not that he's been itching to throw any beverages into anyone face or check someone to the ground here just for the sake of it. But, he's learned that while nice guys might finish last, bullies also don't get the guy in the end.

He chokes a little when Kurt picks up on what he said. This is why he should keep his mouth shut. "Um... y-yeah. I mean... Scandals is called that for a reason? Not that I was like... super lucky there." No, but you got super lucky at Chris's rave. And the ATV. And your room. "But, um... yeah. Sorry if that's a bit TMI there."

[likesboys]

There's a part of Kurt tempted to wipe his mind clean, sing in protest, anything to block out thoughts of how lucky Karofsky might have gotten. It's not really specific to the guy. Well, it is— in as much as Kurt never really wants to think about his acquaintances in bed, never even really fantasized about Finn beyond kisses and hand-holding and the things that are permitted in a PG-13 rom com. More importantly, though, it just feels like such a private matter, something that he shouldn't be allowed to know about another person. It's also for this reason that porn is practically impossible for him to watch.

And at least there, people generally consent to being filmed and showing themselves off to others while so compromised.

Cheeks and neck and ears all flaring red, Kurt continues to stare into his cup and nods. "Yeah, okay," he stammers, biting down on his lips.

[reformingfury]

The awkward tension is making Dave want to punch himself in the gut almost as much as the fact that he can't help but think that Kurt looks cute when he's flustered like that. Christ, I'm pathetic. Just get the fuck over it already.

Looking for a complete turn in subject, he's actually grateful when the jukebox gets a little louder with the strains of an acoustic guitar. "Oh fuck, I actually love this song." Of course, it comes with the fact that this song has been played an awful lot in his room after he saw Kurt in Scandals, but still. Music is a good subject to get on, right?

[likesboys]

Pausing, Kurt gratefully turns his attention to the song playing on the jukebox, sipping at his cider before he sits up a little more, finally recognizing the strains. "This is by that group that was recently making it big back home, right? Um... Mumford, was it? Mumford and Sons?" Kurt asks, recognizing the lead vocalist, if not necessarily able to sing the lyrics of the new song at will.

"It does seem like the sort of thing you'd enjoy. That's the great thing about music. There's always something for everyone."

[reformingfury]

"Yeah, it is. Plus, I really relate to it." Especially after he looked up where the words originally came from. Dave barely understood the play without running off to Sparknotes, but when everything pieced together in his head, it made him smile a little. Like he was a one-sided Benedict.

"I think I really took for granted how much this stuff could mean to someone. Like, everyone likes music, but it's usually just something in the background for dancing. I thought people pretty much did it for the fame now, but there's still meaning to it. For the guys writing it and the ones listening." He mouths to the refrain about love setting someone free.

"Do you know the reference? I figured you probably would, what with the theater and all."

[likesboys]

"Much Ado About Nothing, if memory serves," Kurt nodded with a grin, although he missed a fair amount of the lyrics in the song while paying attention to Karofsky's words instead. "I do love Shakespeare. Granted, I'm probably not half as familiar with his works as some of the people here on the island, but if Geoffrey Tennant moves forward with his desire to direct a Shakespearean play, I'll be auditioning no matter how unlikely they are to cast me."

Shaking his head to brush away all the more self-centered thoughts which swirled there, Kurt glanced up to meet Karofsky's gaze, lips pressed thin in curiosity. "So what part of it do you relate to the most? Which view of love?"

[reformingfury]

He smiles at the idea of Kurt acting in a play he actually read voluntarily. "I'd like to see that. Hell, I'd probably join in on that, too. You'd made a good Claudio." Dave doesn't think Kurt would much appreciate the casting he built up in his head when he read it, but he does think that the role of the count would suit Kurt.

Turning his attention back to Kurt's question, Dave bites his lip and fights a flush as their eyes connect. "Where it sets you free. Makes you the kind of person you should be instead of what people expect of you." Swallowing hard, he continues. "And apologizing to the person you love for hurting them when you were pretending."

He lets his gaze drop. Maybe he should just say it? He already knows the out come. Blaine told him that. But it could be a large weight off Dave's shoulders if Kurt just knew it himself for sure. Give him the chance to move on already.

[likesboys]

"I'm pretty sure he's thinking about a tragedy or history play," Kurt muses, tilting his head at the thought of playing Claudio. He knows that it wouldn't be an easy role for him, at the very least because of the countless preconceptions people are certain to make about the ability of a guy like him to play a heterosexual character. It'd be interesting, though.

He'd certainly learn a lot.

But he glances up in time to catch Karofsky's thoughts on love, gaze slowly dropping down to his knees as he processes all of it, and... frankly, when realization starts to strike, his immediate reflex is one of denial. Brow furrowing, Kurt simply— he can't fathom it. Surely, Karofsky can't be talking about him.

"I... I guess I've never really experienced it in that way," Kurt muses slowly, a half-truth. He's pretended to date girls before, of course, but that was—

"Well, no, I suppose I did pretend to date Brittany for a while because I thought it was what my dad wanted. Fortunately, he helped pull me out of that."

[reformingfury]

"Oh. Well, I'm sure you could grab something in one of those, still. Anything you put your mind to, right?" Sure, Kurt was fancy as hell and he's not sure he could place him in Othello or Julius Caesar, but he's a good performer.

Dave bites his lip as the other boy processes what he just said, and... well, yeah. He does remember that Kurt dated Brittany for a week. The replacement of his complicated outfits by flannel and a baseball cap threw off a lot of them. "Good thing. You don't have to change. Not for anyone, no matter what kinda shit they throw at you."

He fidgets a bit more and finally makes up his mind. "Kurt, can I just... be honest for once? Like, no more dodging shit and moping about what I actually want to say here?" Because he doesn't think it could be more obvious, and nothing will happen if they just avoid the topic. For a moment, he wants to reach for the singer's hand, but he decides against it.

For now.

[likesboys]

Blinking, Kurt's gaze shifts off to the side for a moment. He has the option of saying no right now, right? He has the ability to say no, to refuse to listen to what it is that Karofsky's about to share with him, because there's just something about the way he's carrying himself that feels strange. Like he has a secret to tell.

But Kurt also tries to be there for his friends as often as he can, so he meets Karofsky's gaze again, tilting his head.

"Sure, I guess," he says.

[reformingfury]

"Yeah. Awesome, ok." Fuck, now what? Where the hell does he begin? 'Hey, you know that time I told you get out of my face and when you didn't, I kinda mashed my lips against yours instead of using my fist? Well, it's 'cause I've actually kinda always thought you were hot and I couldn't take it anymore.' Yeah, that'd go fucking great.

Deep breath, Dave. Start at the beginning and don't be an ass.

"Back at McKinley, I was jealous of you. By a lot. You were kinda obviously gay, but you friggin' owned it and basically pissed on what others thought of you with how proud you were. That you were smarter and different, even if it meant shit heads like me pushing you around. Because shit heads like me know we aren't as good as you. That we're afraid." He takes a moment, wishing he didn't just down the last of his cider so fast. When did his mouth run so dry?

"That day you followed me into the locker room, the way you got mad... Fucking hell, this is going to be the corniest thing I'll likely ever say. You looked like an angel. A really freaking angry angel in badass boots, but still like an angel. Ready to come down and strike me stupid ass for giving you and the rest of the nerds shit each day. And everything you said, the way you faced me off, it was terrifying. But it was also beautiful. Like all the courage that took just made you shine.

"And that's why I cracked. Because even though I hated you for being proud like I could never be... I also really freakin' liked you. I still do." Looking back up to make eye contact, Dave swallows hard, willing himself to finally say it.

"Actually, I think I love you."

[likesboys]

...what?

Kurt listens carefully to Dave's explanation, taking in every word, and yet somehow it feels like he's trying to push together pieces that don't quite manage to fit. His hands remain politely on his mug, but his fingers start to press against the surface with greater force, as though that might help anchor him through the confusion. He's pretty sure that most of the bullies at McKinley didn't bully Kurt because they thought of him as better, smarter, or enviable in any way— he's pretty sure that they saw him as wrong, as easy pickings.

Maybe he scared them, but only in the way that Kurt honestly wishes he wouldn't scare anyone— the kind that lodges itself in one's stomach and turns nausea over fresh. He scares people sometimes, but only because they think him unnatural.

With a slight inhale, Kurt glances up, tilting his head. "You're telling me... that the bullying, all of the name-calling and the threats, they were because you liked me?" he asks incredulously.

[reformingfury]

Shit, he knew this was a terrible idea.

"Yeah... partially." Dave can feel his resolve crumbling and he buries his face in his hands. "I know. I'm completely fucked up and I don't even friggin' deserve to get to talk to you. And you've got your thing with Anderson. But, with all the things that happened back home after you came back, and then when I got back here, I just– I needed to just..." He can feel the tears stinging already. He can't do this. He should have done this. What was the point, anyhow? He's so fucking stupid.

"I'm sorry. Just forget it." Getting up and taking his empty mug, Dave bites his lip as he looks at Kurt. Don't fucking cry. "Enjoy the rest of the cider, Kurt. I'll just... leave you alone."

[likesboys]

"Dave," Kurt finally manages to stammer, rising to his feet, the mug still held between his hands. He wasn't want to make Karofsky feel bad, at the end of the day. They're tentative friends, they're doing their best to patch things up after everything that's happened, and Kurt doesn't want to completely toss that aside. Taking a deep breath, he shakes his head. "I'm flattered that you feel that way, I really am, and I don't think you're the guy you think you are. You were confused, and scared, and being what we are is scary in Lima. I'd be the first person to tell you that. The fact that you didn't know how to get through that on your own doesn't make you an awful person."

Sighing between his teeth, Kurt shakes his head. "But... I'm with Blaine. You know that, right? And I hope you're able to find something like that, I know you can, but I can't return your feelings. I think of you as a friend."

[reformingfury]

"Yeah. Yeah I know." And he's branding himself a coward for not doing something about his feelings before the little prancey boy and his stupid perfect everything came around. Even if it was still hopeless. Like telling him when it was already a definite loss to protect himself in a way was further proof of how scared he still is.

"I meant what I said. He's an idiot if he doesn't love you the way– the way you deserve to be loved. I just want you to be happy." Even if I'm not the one to make you happy. Even with how much that hurts. "It's all I've wanted for you once I got my head out of my ass."

Dave blinks and knows that his tears are probably falling now. He wonders if he'll ever stop feeling so vulnerable around this boy.

"I've gotta go. I'll see you 'round, ok?"

Before Kurt can answer, he turns around and flees so he can just collapse in the privacy of the elevator before he reaches his room.